Sea changes

It is my daughter’s 12^th birthday today. She was at school so I spent the afternoon at his again.

Last night we FT-ed. He has read the comments on here and taken them on board. With reference to the doing the research, he says he is happy to as far as he can but he’s not sure what I need to know, and he doesn’t keep all emails. He also said that sometimes I seem to want to know details and sometimes I don’t, so he is getting mixed messages about whether he should be telling me stuff, which I understand.

He said yesterday his getting defensive about the emails came from a place of shame, that me digging and unearthing stuff that he’d rather keep hidden from the world and forget about makes him face up to what he has done all over again.

He did say that he had gone back and looked through his emails and the earliest message he had found from the dating website was 8^th July. I moved out on 28^th June, which means he joined the site not long after I had gone – probably pretty much immediately, in a sort of “F*** you – you’ve left, let’s see what else is out there!” kind of thing. EVEN THOUGH he had suggested we carry on our relationship, just in different houses. He STILL joined a dating site which hurts incredibly. But now I know, I can deal with it, and try to understand it. I know that he did not meet up with anyone during July as his foot was in plaster and he couldn’t drive, or for the first two weeks in August as we were in Scotland together, but he did meet someone at the end of August.

So basically, for this last year we both bailed out of our marriage. Me because I moved out and left him, and him because he started looking elsewhere. I realised I was very selfish. I wanted the good parts that come with having a husband, the companionship (but only when I wanted it) and the sex, but not the hassle of a husband, the actual living with someone and changing your life for them and having to be unselfish and not get your way sometimes. I wanted it both ways. I put myself before our marriage, and so did he.

Whilst none of this excuses his infidelity, given that he made a promise to me that he promptly broke, but it is a factor in the circumstances that led up to it.

So, I got to thinking. We have identified two of the major causes of our problems which led to me moving out. One is poor communication and the other – far more important – was our lack of ability to resolve any kind of conflict. I avoided it like the plague, while he blew up and said nasty cruel things.

We are both having counselling, me for help with my Asperger’s so I can identify my own issues and how to either control them, or to explain to him how to make things easier for me, him for his anger managements issues and both of us for MC.

I realised that I was right last summer. You can’t have a marriage in two different houses. It’s insane. It doesn’t work. We proved that. So, the only answer is for me to move back in again.

I thought about it a lot all this morning and when I went round in the afternoon I proposed it to him. He was surprised to say the least, given that I had told him categorically I couldn’t see myself ever moving in with him again, and certainly not in “that house” which was the house he had lived in with his wife before we met.

But I explained my reasons. I also said it wasn't a decision we could make now. I needed to wait at least two or three months, until I was absolutely certain I knew everything I needed to know about his behaviour over the last year, and also not until we had certain strategies in place to deal with our issues, which won’t happen until the MC is established and we’ve started working together on it. It’s not enough to identify them, we have to learn new ways of dealing with them.

I am terrified. I don’t want to go back to the way things were before I left. There were bloody good reasons for leaving. I would rather be without him completely than go back to that. BUT if we can resolve our issues, then we can only work on our marriage successfully if we are together.

It’s scary for both of us, because we have both discovered we like our own space. We’ll have to learn how to compromise. This last year has been a massive kick up the backside for us. He has learned that if he behaves like a d*ck, I will leave him. And I have learned that if I want to be married to someone, I have to be a lot more unselfish and controlling than I was. I can’t have a part-time marriage, It’s either all or nothing.

We still have a LOT of issues we need to work out before we can move back in together, compromises and practicalities that need to be negotiated in advance, but at least we now know that is the eventual aim.

I’m very scared and I don’t know if it will work, but I do know that I love him and I want to try.

My worst case scenario would be that for these next three months we both try out best, are on best behaviour and I take the plunge and decide to move us all back in again (it’s not just a case of packing a few boxes – I have a houseful of furniture and stuff so it’s a full-scale move) and then we revert back to our old ways and it’s just as bad as it was before, which would mean me uprooting my girls yet again and leaving. If it were just me I would be happier to take the chance, but children need stability. We’ve already moved twice in the space of less than a year. So I need time to make sure that it is the right decision.

More talking - dating sites started in JULY

I spent this morning cyber-stalking his most recent contact. This is the one that sent him boob pix, who he said was “just a friend”. He said nothing went on and she verified that. But of course, my worst case scenario was that he had called her the second I left and briefed her on what to say if I called.

I also didn’t mention earlier that along with the boob pix she had sent an ultrasound scan of a baby. I had dismissed that at the time as being of any significance as he had told me she was about ten years older than him (which would make her 54) – so I assumed it was a grand-baby – he’d said she had two grown-up children. It didn’t occur to me till later that he could have been lying about her being ten years older, and it could well be his baby.

I had her mobile number and a first name and the knowledge that she ran a medical training company, so with that knowledge I was able to find her on FB, find her on LinkedIn, find her company and verify through the details held at Companies House and also on the electoral roll that she was indeed 53. So it is highly unlikely that she is pregnant with his love child.

So far, so good – that backs up his version of events. But doing the investigating work, and the worry of what else it might have been drained me and left me low.

We had arranged that I would go to his house this afternoon so I turned up, but I was quiet and withdrawn and sad about things. That then affected the way he responded to me. It wasn't negative, but it started us off on a slightly off footing, after we had had a nice day yesterday and a good FT chat last night.

I wanted to look at his iPad again, but I was scared, in case I found anything new. But I decided I had to face up to it, so I picked it up and dove in. I looked through recent emails and texts – nothing new.

But then I went back into the emails, seeing if I had missed anything that frantic day the other day when I found out stuff about there having been other dating sites and reading the emails he had sent to OWs.

I found an email conversation with a woman called Karen. The earliest email from him dated back to 24th July 2012, which mentioned something about her “leaving the site”. Which means that the dating sites and the chatting to OWs started even earlier than I had thought – JULY, not August, or September. And was it July? Was it earlier than that? He says he can’t remember, says “I know” he has a bad memory. Asks me can I remember what I was doing in July? Yes, pretty much – I was ferrying him around the entire North-West of the country to do his job because he broke his foot and couldn’t drive.

I looked in deleted items and found an email I had read before, then an email chain to another woman dating from January, which I had not seen before. So I started to read it.

Now he starts to get annoyed and defensive, about me reading this particular email chain. Wants to know why I am doing this again, didn’t I do enough of this before, shouldn’t we be starting to look forward not back. I start to panic, wondering what he is worried about. What is it that he doesn’t want me to see? So the more defensive he gets, the more determined I am to read these emails.

I find nothing, other than arrangements to meet up in a park in the middle of winter. He says they met, had a walk round this park and a coffee. Which is all fine, but if that was all it was, why get panicky and defensive about it?

He says he felt invaded, that he didn’t see why I had to keep on reading through his past emails. I tried to explain. Eventually I put the iPad down and he calmed down.

Was he relieved that I had stopped poking, that I wasn’t going to find anything more? He swears there is no more to find, but then why is he worried? If he has nothing to hide, then he has nothing to worry about, right? I told him that this is something I need to do. How long for, he asks? As long as I need to, I say. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave the room, but I need him to let me look in his iPad and on his phone for as long as I need and as often as I need, if only to verify what he has told me. But also to find out if there is anything he is still hiding.

I thought of an analogy of rebuilding our relationship using ‘walls’ of trust, love, knowledge and honesty. Every time I find something out, that is a brick in the wall of knowledge. But if I find out myself, without him telling me, or worse, if he lied to me about it, it knocks a brick out of the walls of honesty and trust. If he tells me details himself, then we BUILD bricks in the walls of trust, honesty AND knowledge. Any nice things he does for me, or reassurances he can give me, put bricks in the wall of love. Finding out about the second PA and the continued contact with the boob-OW knocked our entire wall of trust back down again.

It scares me that there may still be things he hasn’t told me. But it’s not what he’s not telling me so much as the fact that he may be lying that bothers me. I can handle the truth. I can’t handle lies.

I think he now understands about my need for transparency going forward AND ALSO to verify what he has told me about the past. We left it on a good note, but I’m still shaking.

Talking

We spent most of the day together today, until I had to leave to pick up my girls from school. We talked and talked about a lot of stuff, partly about the A and partly about what was wrong with our marriage that led up to the separation, that led up to the A.

We decided that we were crap at communication. I am almost phobic about conflict, to the point that if G did something I didn’t like, instead of talking about it, I would just not say anything for fear of his reaction. Not that he would be violent, but defensive and angry that I dared to criticise him. So I would keep quiet, but still be annoyed by whatever it is, which would then build up resentment in me, which would then come out at a later date during an argument about something else entirely – Me: “Oh, and BTW I hate it when you [fill in the blank].” Him: “Huh?”

So what we need to work on is making sure we both feel safe disagreeing about something, and working on strategies to make sure a small difference of opinion, or a misunderstanding does not escalate into a full-scale argument. Quite how – we don’t know yet.

Also he hates to admit he is wrong about ANYTHING so if we disagreed and I was actually right about something, or made a valid point, instead of acknowledging that, he would wriggle and wriggle and twist and twist and turn my words back on me until sometimes he was almost saying the opposite of what he had said in the first place. And when I pointed this out to him, he would be almost incoherent with fury. Which left me sitting there confused and thinking WTF while he was getting annoyed at me.

If it was just me, then I would agree with everyone that the best thing we could do would be to move back in together. It’s hard to work on a marriage in two separate houses. But I can’t put my girls through all that upheaval again. We have already moved twice in the space of not even a year. They need some stability, and the marriage we used to have was not a good environment for them.

But we’ve agreed to renew date nights. We’re starting our MC on Wednesdays so my thought is, we have our appt Weds, then he comes to mine afterwards. Fri he comes for tea, stays and we have our date night Saturday, so that’s a good chunk of time together. And, this just occurred to me and I haven’t run it past him yet, even if we have argued, we STILL agree to spend that time together so we can talk about things and try and sort it out, not just let it fester. We both work during the week and next week he is starting something new where he is working a few hundred miles away on Mon and Tues and the rest of the week from home, so he will be away Sun night till Tues night anyway. So I think this way we still get to spend a decent chunk of time together.

With regard to the new revelations, it’s not so much what he did, but that he continued to lie and lie and lie about it. Whenever I tried to explain to him how important the truth was, he listened, then LIED. Now that I know, obviously the trust is back to zero. BUT the actual news about there having been a second PA has not hit me as hard as the first one was. It’s the lies.

I thought of a physical analogy. That poor chap who had his legs blown off in the Boston bombings. Obviously that was a major physical and mental trauma. If you had your leg blown off and it had to be amputated below the knee, then that is a HUGE HUGE issue to deal with. But if, say a month later, the doctors came and said, “Sorry, your stump has got infected, we need to take some more off, to above the knee this time,” then that would be an additional trauma, but not as bad as the first one. The reaction might be, “Well, most of it’s gone anyway. What’s a few more inches?”

He already cheated on me. The major betrayal was the total disregard for our marriage that he displayed during that time, and the fact that he could quite happily be messaging OWs and arranging to meet them while still playing happy families with me. Does it really matter if there was one or two? Or whether it started in September or August? 

He knows he did wrong. He accepts it was cowardly to let me find out the way I did. I just really really hope that I have the whole truth this time. He has lied and lied and lied and lied since the first glimmerings of this came to light back in November when I found out he was texting a woman. Do I know he is telling the truth now? No, I don’t. I hope he is. But I think there will always be a small element of doubt in my mind. I hate it, but what can I do?

Today was a good day. I feel happy when I am with him, partly because I enjoy spending time with him, and partly because then I know where he is. If he is with me, then he isn’t with someone else, texting someone else. He’s with me, holding my hand and telling me that he loves me. But we can’t be together 24/7. If I could I’d put CCTV on him, then I’d know what he was doing all the time. I hate feeling like this.

He posted on the forum!!

Last night he actually posted on the forum, something I have been asking him to do for a while. There wasn't a huge response, a few posters jumping in, although the more vociferous ones are away. I hope he engages and starts to interact. I feel he will get more help if he opens up to how he feels.

(Below is from the forum)

I woke this morning with that sick feeling back again – the one that I had every day 24/7 for four weeks after D-day 1. I am slowly processing the reality that Graham had called time on our marriage last summer and has basically been acting like a single man ever since.

See, those of you who have read my D-day 2 thread will have read this, but I’ll say it here, in case. I didn’t share this before as I didn’t want a slew of “Well what did you expect?” type comments, but – I left him last summer. I packed up and moved out with my two children. I was going to divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

He asked me to reconsider if he got help for his anger problems. He said we could continue our relationship but in separate houses, like when we were dating. At first I thought this was an insane idea. How can you have a marriage in two separate houses. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. We had got along fine mostly before we moved in together. That was when the problems had started. He was tempting me with the only thing that could have possibly induced me to not divorce him – the promise of our relationship the way it was, the loving, wonderful, kind husband I fell in love with, without the increasingly frequent presence of his Mr Nasty doppelganger and also I got to have my own space and be in charge!

What could be better for a woman used to running her own affairs?

So I agreed. I moved out. It was wonderful, having my own space again, not having to lock horns with Mr Nasty every time we disagreed on something. This part-time marriage lark was great. But we did have a conversation in which we outlined our expectations. I wanted fidelity – I made that absolutely clear.

We might not be living together, but we were still married, and we were still in a marital relationship, with all that implies.

He agreed, but then proceeded to totally ignore what we had said and begin his illicit activities. And I made it possible.

Most WSs have to sneak around behind their spouses’ backs. Graham was free to join dating sites, spend all night sending messages to whomever he chose, going out evenings when we didn’t have things planned, he even brought one of them back to the house, and f*cked her in OUR bed, in our bedroom that we had planned and decorated together. She probably watched herself in front of the full-length wall to wall mirrored wardrobes I had chosen, while my wedding dress hung behind the wardrobe doors.

He was a single man, with a wife on the side to f*ck whenever he chose.

Me, I was happily enjoying having everything my own way, my own house, my part-time husband who came round often enough – but not too often. I wasn't looking for anyone else. I didn’t want anyone else. I was still in love with him. I just didn’t want him all the time.



So now here we are. He’s been living the single life since last August. Two PAs that I know of, numerous dates, an ongoing contact even while we were in R – all the time still having sex with me. I feel sick, devastated, used, violated, utterly destroyed.

From the outside, it’s simple. We should divorce. We had major issues in our marriage that we never dealt with, just ran away from. He has cheated on me numerous times, totally disregarding the trust I had in him. And yet…and yet, that tie that binds is so strong. I still love him. What we had was so good once upon a time. The only thing that keeps me going is the possibility of having it again. Is it too late? Was it real? In my D-day 2 thread someone said I was hanging onto a mirage of the man I thought he was. I don’t want it to be a mirage. I want it to be real.

Three questions remain:

1) Can I ever actually get over this? Can I ever forgive him?

2) What guarantee do I have that this will not now become his default behaviour? Once that line has been crossed once, it’s very easy to cross it again, and again.

3) Is the man that I fell in love with still there? Was he ever real?


Later

I went round again this afternoon. We talked a lot. I can’t remember what about mostly. I said maybe what I need to do is compartmentalise the last few months into a ‘single phase’ in his life, rather than stressing out over every date and chat as if each one were a separate betrayal, otherwise I’ll go mad. I had intended to go round and ask to look through the emails on his computer, but I decided not to, for the above reason. I don’t need to necessarily know where he went every time, with who, what they ate, what they talked about etc. It was hurtful enough seeing the few arrangements I saw via email. I know he had dates – he told me this – it is not news. Provided there is nothing major I don’t know, such as another PA or a love child (God forbid!)  - and that it is all definitely OVER - then I think I can put it all in one box.

I say I think – I don’t actually know if I can yet.

We are both busy next week and I am busy this weekend as it is my eldest daughter’s birthday, so we have made arrangements to meet up this week in the afternoons to talk and maybe do some stuff. Hopefully it will be good.

Finally, the truth - I think

Wow – what a day! I went round this afternoon, not really sure what was going to happen. I wanted to get access to his ipad, and check through some stuff. I did manage to and had a mixed experience. I found out that he had been talking to a girl called Kate just before D-day – 2/3 March. I read an email conversation between them where he arranged to meet her in Warrington on 12th March. It was heartbreaking to actually read the little words of endearment and the kisses and the “can’t wait to see you”s.

I got into his email archive, which he was very surprised existed, which had EVERYTHING he had ever sent or received. After ploughing through thousands of junk stuff from freecycle etc I did unearth a few gems – I discovered he had not only been on ONE dating site, which was what he had told me, but he had been on several. However, I did find out that they were all inactive since D-day, which verified what he had told me.

I found a few arrangements to meet people, again I knew this as he told me he had met people. But knowing it and seeing the arrangements are two different things.

I found out he met the first one as early as August last year. That one I read in an MSN conversation where he said he “couldn’t wait to meet her in the flesh”.

Then, I started going through his imessages. Immediately I found several messages from a woman called Rose who had sent him pix of her naked boobs. I felt sick, I jumped up, this was only 13th May - last WEEK! I felt sick – I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. She’d sent him a pic of her cleavage and asked him if he wanted more and he’d said “Go on then x” or something like that, then came the boobs.

But then there was no more from him. And this was a week ago. He said she was one he had met up with a couple of times, but he had NOT had sex with her. She wasn't his type, but they had stayed in touch as ‘friends’. I said “So, if I ring her she will confirm this, will she?” I sent her a text saying “This is Graham’s wife. Never contact my husband again.” Then I tried to ring her, on graham’s phone. She didn’t answer, but I could see she had read the text as she had read receipts turned on.

He said he hadn’t expected her to send the pix, he knew he was wrong to encourage her. He was sorry etc etc. That was when it came out that they had been keeping in contact all this time. I was so angry and upset. I told him it was totally inappropriate, that this was exactly what was meant by transparency, that you don’t stay in touch with an OW you met on a dating site and they don’t send you pix of their boobs! He admitted it was wrong and inappropriate.

I told him it stops right now. I told him that if we are going to do this, we are doing it my way, that he reads the f*cking book and he comes and posts on the forum and asks them for advice. His demeanour was quite different to what it has been. He seemed genuinely chastened and shocked.

Pretty much most of what I discovered today did back up what he told me, apart from the existence of multiple dating profiles and of Rose. It was just difficult seeing it all in black and white.

When I got the home with the girls I texted her, saying “This is Graham’s wife. I know about the dating site. I am trying to figure exactly what he’s been up to. I know he met u. Have u had sex with my husband?”

She rang me!! I answered. We talked. She confirmed that they had met twice, but that they had not had sex. She sounded a bit abashed and said she was drunk when she had sent him those photos. She sounded quite smitten with him actually.  I told her what he had done, that he had had TWO affairs. She said she hoped we worked it out (!) that he was “worth it”. I said sometimes he’s worth it, sometimes he’s not. She said something about men being men. She also said he had been a complete gentleman with her.

One thing I did discover during my trawl through his phone was that his mother knew all about him dating other women!! She had no clue we were still trying to work things out. I told him that stops also. He tells her exactly what he has done and that we were still together when he was doing it.

So since I got home he has been texting me on and off. He is like a different person. He’s asking me if I’m okay, asking me what I need, saying he wants to fix this and win my trust back. He says he can’t stand disappointing me and my opinion matters.

So far, so good, but it’s all words right now. Time will tell if his actions match up.

Feelings...

Last night he emailed me. I don’t know why he emailed me instead of texting me. Seems odd. But he said:

“I know you said you needed a day or two but I just wanted to say that yes I do want us to work at our marriage. I have let you down again and I would understand if you want to call it quits as it would be all that I deserve for the hurt that I have caused you. I am sorry that I have caused you pain again and should have been honest in the first place.

Graham x”

So I emailed back, saying:
“Just wanted to acknowledge receipt. Still don't know how to feel. Been a tough day.”

My parents came round today. The feelings are starting to come through. I told them about the latest development. I hadn’t intended to, but my Dad asked and it all sort of came out. I was upset, and starting to feel angry, very very angry. I cried a lot and drank too much vodka.

It's quite interesting cooking a roast chicken dinner when you're half-cut.

I know what I should do. But knowing it and doing it are two very different things. I wish all this just wasn’t happening. Why did he have to do this?

D-day 2!!

Last night I sent Sharon an email about this molluscum stuff. I need to know if she has it. I don’t know if she will tell me. So far she hasn’t replied. But if she replies and says yes, she has it, then it backs up his story somewhat, as it is within the 6 month range. But if she says she doesn’t, then it is more evidence that there were others, not just her, which is honestly what I have believed all along.

I’ve been hiding my head about the possibility of there having been others.  I mean, does it make a difference in the long run? The thing about the molluscum has been highly distasteful for me to deal with, partly because it has pushed my face in the physicality of what he has done, and also because it has re-introduced the possibility of there having been others, which reinforces the possibility that he has lied to me. Before now he could easily have been telling the truth that it was only Sharon, and they only had sex because he had feelings for her, which is somehow easier to understand/deal with than simply sticking his knob in any diseased cunt, putting me at risk for no reason, which is disgusting to me. I wanted to believe that he was telling the truth, even though there were nagging doubts, in much the same way I wanted to believe him when he told me it was only texting between him and Sharon, which proved not to be the case.

Honestly, I believe he is lying through his teeth. I think if Sharon does reply to me, which I’m not sure she will, it’s a very personal thing to ask someone, but I think she will NOT have had this, which means I have to confront the FACT that he got it from someone else, which means he definitely lied to me. It’s the lying I think that bothers me more than anything else. I can see him panicking now. He’s been a classic cheater, only admitting to what I can prove all along. First it was “just texting” then it was “just meals” then it was “yes, sex, but only with her.” Why should I believe him now? And, I don’t think he is denying it vociferously enough, which sounds daft.  He’s wriggling like a worm, trying to get out of admitting that he has lied.

He has already tried to fog the issue by saying that it’s possible to get it from swimming pools, sharing towels, etc, which is true, but he has it in his genital area only, not anywhere else, which means pretty much 100% that it was sexually transmitted. And has he been swimming or shared any towels in the last few months? I hardly think so. Besides if that had been the case they would be on other parts of his body and they are not.

He even said that “at least he told me about this” – like he wanted some kind of credit for telling the truth when he could have lied.

I’m not going to do anything until Sharon replies.



Later

Well, Sharon replied saying she has not and never has had this infection. TBH I’m not really surprised. The only question is, what do I do now? I now know for a fact that he has lied to me, which takes any trust we might have built back up right back to where we started.

I texted him saying "I KNOW you lied. Sharon doesn't have them and never has had. Let me know when you're prepared to tell me the WHOLE truth."

He texted me back after 90 minutes saying "I assume you don't want me to come round then."

I reply saying "Depends on whether I'm going to get truth or bullsh!t"

He didn't reply. Half an hour later I texted him again saying "Don't I deserve the truth?"

I pretty much went round to his house immediately after that, I didn't even wait for a reply. I needed to know the truth and I was going to damn well get it. He only lives 5 minutes round the corner.

So I turn up, unannounced. He looks at me oddly when I walk in, then puts the kettle on.

I get "Why are you here?"

So I tell him I need to know the truth.

Cue ten minutes of prevarication, but he is clearly very uncomfortable. He wants to know why I need to know. I tell him that I can't explain why, I just do. I get him to admit that there was someone else over and above the OW which I knew about. I try to explain again why I need to know. I tell him that if he DOESN'T tell me, then we are definitely over.

He wants to know what happens if he does tell me.

It depends on what you tell me, I say. I tell him that if he doesn't tell me what happened, then my imagination runs wild, thinking the worst. And the worst is that he was running around sticking it into any diseased c*** that will have him. Or prostitutes.

I finally manage to persuade him to tell me the truth. His face sort of drops and he says, "Well, I may as well."

It was after the first one had ended. He had met this one on the dating site also, after the first one finished with him. He met up with her about three times, they had sex twice. Then she ended it, said she wanted more. I asked him what 'more' did she want that he wasn't prepared to give her, and he said he didn't know, he didn't ask. He said probably because they had only seen each other twice over a few weeks and it wasn't enough for her.

He says there have been no more since then. This time I believe him. I am pretty good at telling when he is lying, and every time so far my gut has been spot on. But I didn't get that warning this time. I actually believe him.

So, how does this change things? I strongly suspected there had been another, and now I find out there definitely was. The only difference is, now I know for sure and I have the details.

The biggest issue is that he lied to me about it for the last 2.5 months, so trust-wise and R-wise we are right back to square one again.

I feel numb. I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I did the first time.

My common sense is screaming at me to get out, to post off the D papers and tell him where to go. But the little voice that has kept me going through the R so far is still there, saying we could have a chance if we can get past this.

That's the thing, I don't know if I can. But I don't know if I'm completely ready to let go yet either.

He's gutted that he let me down again. He says he feels unworthy of me, of having any kind of opinion or input into where we go from here. He says it's all down to me to decide.

I left saying that I would text him. That it might be a couple of days while I work out how I feel about this.

I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling.