It is my daughter’s 12th birthday today. She was at school so I spent the afternoon at his again.
Last night we FT-ed. He has read the comments on here and taken them on board. With reference to the doing the research, he says he is happy to as far as he can but he’s not sure what I need to know, and he doesn’t keep all emails. He also said that sometimes I seem to want to know details and sometimes I don’t, so he is getting mixed messages about whether he should be telling me stuff, which I understand.
He said yesterday his getting defensive about the emails came from a place of shame, that me digging and unearthing stuff that he’d rather keep hidden from the world and forget about makes him face up to what he has done all over again.
He did say that he had gone back and looked through his emails and the earliest message he had found from the dating website was 8th July. I moved out on 28th June, which means he joined the site not long after I had gone – probably pretty much immediately, in a sort of “F*** you – you’ve left, let’s see what else is out there!” kind of thing. EVEN THOUGH he had suggested we carry on our relationship, just in different houses. He STILL joined a dating site which hurts incredibly. But now I know, I can deal with it, and try to understand it. I know that he did not meet up with anyone during July as his foot was in plaster and he couldn’t drive, or for the first two weeks in August as we were in Scotland together, but he did meet someone at the end of August.
So basically, for this last year we both bailed out of our marriage. Me because I moved out and left him, and him because he started looking elsewhere. I realised I was very selfish. I wanted the good parts that come with having a husband, the companionship (but only when I wanted it) and the sex, but not the hassle of a husband, the actual living with someone and changing your life for them and having to be unselfish and not get your way sometimes. I wanted it both ways. I put myself before our marriage, and so did he.
Whilst none of this excuses his infidelity, given that he made a promise to me that he promptly broke, but it is a factor in the circumstances that led up to it.
So, I got to thinking. We have identified two of the major causes of our problems which led to me moving out. One is poor communication and the other – far more important – was our lack of ability to resolve any kind of conflict. I avoided it like the plague, while he blew up and said nasty cruel things.
We are both having counselling, me for help with my Asperger’s so I can identify my own issues and how to either control them, or to explain to him how to make things easier for me, him for his anger managements issues and both of us for MC.
I realised that I was right last summer. You can’t have a marriage in two different houses. It’s insane. It doesn’t work. We proved that. So, the only answer is for me to move back in again.
I thought about it a lot all this morning and when I went round in the afternoon I proposed it to him. He was surprised to say the least, given that I had told him categorically I couldn’t see myself ever moving in with him again, and certainly not in “that house” which was the house he had lived in with his wife before we met.
But I explained my reasons. I also said it wasn't a decision we could make now. I needed to wait at least two or three months, until I was absolutely certain I knew everything I needed to know about his behaviour over the last year, and also not until we had certain strategies in place to deal with our issues, which won’t happen until the MC is established and we’ve started working together on it. It’s not enough to identify them, we have to learn new ways of dealing with them.
I am terrified. I don’t want to go back to the way things were before I left. There were bloody good reasons for leaving. I would rather be without him completely than go back to that. BUT if we can resolve our issues, then we can only work on our marriage successfully if we are together.
It’s scary for both of us, because we have both discovered we like our own space. We’ll have to learn how to compromise. This last year has been a massive kick up the backside for us. He has learned that if he behaves like a d*ck, I will leave him. And I have learned that if I want to be married to someone, I have to be a lot more unselfish and controlling than I was. I can’t have a part-time marriage, It’s either all or nothing.
We still have a LOT of issues we need to work out before we can move back in together, compromises and practicalities that need to be negotiated in advance, but at least we now know that is the eventual aim.
I’m very scared and I don’t know if it will work, but I do know that I love him and I want to try.
My worst case scenario would be that for these next three months we both try out best, are on best behaviour and I take the plunge and decide to move us all back in again (it’s not just a case of packing a few boxes – I have a houseful of furniture and stuff so it’s a full-scale move) and then we revert back to our old ways and it’s just as bad as it was before, which would mean me uprooting my girls yet again and leaving. If it were just me I would be happier to take the chance, but children need stability. We’ve already moved twice in the space of less than a year. So I need time to make sure that it is the right decision.